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Q.  I’ve recently come out of a horrible relationship.  I’m feeling a bit low and wondering if you have any advice?

A.  Ending any relationship, even a bad one, can be hard and takes time.  There are normal stages you will go through…shock, grief, anger, and acceptance.  Many people stay in bad relationships simply because it’s easier than change.  But staying in a bad relationship is not good for anyone involved…you, your ex, children, family or friends.

Start by using this time to find yourself again, do things that make you feel good…find hobbies and activities that you enjoy, especially if it gets you out of the house and helps you meet people with similar interests.

Pamper yourself, make sure you eat healthy, meditate, get enough rest.  Spend time outside, exercise…go for a walk or a hike.  Spend time with people you like, people that can make you laugh.  All these things can help distract you from thinking about the past for a little while, and exercise and meditation produce endorphins and hormones that boost your mood levels.

This would also be a good time to occupy yourself with working on that project you’ve been putting off for a while or volunteer to help someone else…it’s hard to feel bad when you’re accomplishing goals and doing something good.

When you find yourself thinking about something that makes you feel bad, stop…you have the power to choose how you feel.  It isn’t always as easy as it sounds but it gets easier with practice.  When you catch yourself feeling bad observe how you feel (all the physical feelings in your head, your chest, your breathing, etc.), then ask yourself if those thoughts and feelings are serving you in a positive way or a negative way.  Pain comes from fighting against the way things are, when you learn to accept what is you can move on to dealing with the situation constructively…this works for anything in life from little inconveniences to major disasters.

With each relationship you learn more about what you want and what you don’t want in your next relationship.  Take time to make a list of the characteristics you want in your perfect mate, when you know what you want you will find yourself attracting what you are looking for into your life.  It also helps to take some time to learn how to communicate with the opposite sex in order to make a future relationship the best it can be.

And remember, a failed relationship only means that you just haven’t met the right person yet…they’re still out there looking for you, too!

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Sometimes moving on (getting over a break up, loss or other major change)  is difficult.  It’s rarely easy unless you’re so glad to get out of a situation that you can’t wait to make changes and move on.  A break up disrupts your whole life.  Everything you do and see seems to remind you of your ex.  If you had many mutual friends, even going out to keep from feeling lonely or restless can be difficult.

One of the biggest hurdles you have to face when you’re ready to move on is your family and friends.  You’re probably going to get tired of answering questions about the situation.  You must explain to them that you’re moving on, the break up is over, and that you don’t want to be constantly reminded of your ex and the past relationship.

Sometimes dealing with a break up is difficult for family, especially if your ex was popular with your family.  They want to keep bringing up the person in the hopes that you’ll get back together.  You can just say, “Moving on, break up is over, that’s that.”   Eventually they’ll come around because they’re your family and they love you.

It might be harder to deal with when it comes to your friends.  If you didn’t have many mutual friends, then it should be less of a problem.  But if the two of you often hung out with the same group of people, then you going alone to be with those friends is going to seem strange to everyone for a while.  And then there’s the problem of your ex wanting to hang out with the friends, too. You might even run into each other as you each attempt to hang out with your mutual friends.  This doesn’t mean that it’s necessary when you’re moving on to break up with your friends.   It’s just simply going to be more difficult to maintain some of those friendships once the relationship is over.

As difficult as it seems, when you say, “Moving on, the break up is history,” you may have to give up some of those friendships.  You and your ex may each have to keep in touch with only certain friends in your group of mutual friends.  Just try to maintain good contact and relationships with those you’re closest to and allow your ex to do the same with the others.  While this can be painful, it’s probably easiest on everyone because they don’t have to choose which of you to be loyal to and which to avoid.

Sometimes the “moving on break up” period is just too difficult when you’re surrounded by mutual friends and so many places to go together.   If you can take some time away once you’ve declared “moving on; break up over” then it can help you a great deal.   If possible, go on a vacation to get away from the same scenery and people.   Take a vacation with a friend who isn’t involved in the situation; maybe a friend of yours who wasn’t friends with your ex.  This can help provide a distraction from your current situation and give you a whole new perspective…and who knows who you might meet or where it will lead.

I always like to believe things happen for a reason, and when you look back you can usually see that it’s true, it’s just hard to believe while going through painful situations. Romans 5:3-5 says to rejoice in problems and trials, for it develops endurance, strength of character, and our confident hope…and this hope will not lead to disappointment…for he fills our hearts with his love (through these trials).  Life is a journey, your soulmate is out there, keep looking until you find them.

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Ask Dr. Romance Advice Column

Have you just experience a break up?

Are you wondering how to get an ex back?

Almost nearly every adult has experienced some kind of a break up, and most just work on moving on rather than looking for a way to get an ex back. But if you are tired of playing the victim and want to put some work in to get an ex back, then there are options for you.  Everyone deals with breakup, but does break up simply mean that you cannot get back together with your ex?

The fact is, 90 percent of the time there is no reason why you cannot get an ex back after a break up, providing that you know what steps are necessary to win your ex back.

The first step in learning how to get an ex back is to determine what exactly happened that caused the break up. Even though you cannot go back into the past, and you cannot change what happened, you can learn from the mistakes that were made and you can try to learn and grow from the experiences.

The break up may have occurred because of a single event, or it may have occurred from behaviors that your ex could not deal with anymore.  No matter what the reason was that led to the breakup, you need to get the specifics figured out so that you can deal with the situation if it should ever come up again. You can get an ex back if you know how, but if you want to make it work on a long term basis, you need to figure out what went wrong in the first place.

The next step in the process is to ensure that you are not coming off as a needy person. Everyone will feel like they cannot live without their ex, but there is no point in making this obvious. Instead, you should stay strong, and let your ex see that you are doing just fine by yourself. If you let everyone around you see your comfort and self confidence, then you will have a better chance of getting back together with your ex.

Trying to get back at your ex, or trying to make your ex jealous is not a good way to operate. In fact, these are some of the worst things that you can possibly do, because it will show your ex that he or she should simply move on because you already have. While you do want your ex to see that you’re doing ok, you do not want it to inspire him or her to completely move on if your ideal scenario is to get back together. Let your ex see how strong and self confident you are, and they will feel inspired to get back together with you.

Here’s more on how to get an ex back.